The Impact of Growing up Without a Father
How to fill in the gaps and build healthy relationships. Three strategies to follow.
I never knew my Father.
I never saw his photo, never heard his voice.
He never carried me on his shoulders, never kissed me goodnight coming late from work, never told my future husband he would rip his head off if I ever cry, he never walked me down the aisle. He never told me how proud he was when I got my Masters, drivers licence, first job, second job, when I launched my startup. He never hugged me or kissed me.
The only thing I ever heard about him was that he had passed away. Hence, I have never had a chance neither to say hello, nor to cry out my goodbye.
Psychological side-effects of an absent father are depression, suicide, eating disorders, obesity, early sexual activity, addiction-formation, and difficulty building and holding on to loving relationships. wehavekids.com
By now, you probably think that I’m living a sad, fatherless life. Surprisingly, not the case.
Even though I felt certain discomfort comparing myself to other kids who had fathers, I was growing as a normal, strong and self-reliant person. I actually felt that something was missing only when I was pointed at it by other people by the incident. Thankfully, I have never felt excluded or laughed at.
My Mother worked hard to give me the best life and best possible education, she was the biggest supporter in my life. You must be wondering, why am I writing about it at all?
Even though I consider my life as a really good one, I still have a question — would it be better if I ever had a father?
For many years I kept asking myself — is it essential to have one, is something wrong with me now, will I be able to have a good family, with the kids and backyard and a dog? Well, maybe I do not have a backyard and a dog because of that? Maybe I grew up into a goal achiever because of my insecurities? Maybe I tend to overthink things because I didn’t get enough support when I needed it most?
What is missing, what difference it can make?
There are a lot of people like me, according to the statistics. Therefore, my biggest question always was — what are we missing, what difference it would make if we had a chance to have relationships with the father?
And what can we do to fill in this gap, if we ever could?
How bad is it to be fatherless
Various psychological studies suggest that it is very unlucky to be fatherless. Scientists proved that it affects a person negatively in multiple areas of personal life and well-being:
- education
- mental health
- family relationships
- labour market outcomes.
Which is true statistically. But I personally believe that sometimes it is much better to grow up without a father, if he is violent, bad-tempered, criminal, or if he is generally not a good person.
It is essential and beneficial to have a good father as portrayed in the movies, books or our own imagination. But in reality most of the time we are fatherless for a reason — our benefit, our strength and our future.
If we think more in-depth about these statistics, it’s easy to see why fatherless children are disadvantaged. Obviously, it is tough to raise a kid (or a few). Therefore, a single mother has to be both for a child — a father and a mother. Plus, if a father is fully absent, she has to make money to feed herself and her children. Therefore, it is a common sense that she has much fewer resources. She cannot spend enough time with her kids for their adequate development.
So, it is not only about a particular person in our life who is missing, but also about a lack of the time and resources that a single mother could experience. Most of the time, mothers make this choice for kids’ as well as her own benefit.
From the experience
My mother worked hard to make a living for the family. She also had my grandmother and my grandfather in their 80’s to take care. Of course, I missed her while she was taking shifts and teaching private lessons in the afternoon, but at the same time, I was very proud of her. She did everything possible to raise me as a self-reliant and happy person.
I choose to think that I am fatherless for the best. It was always lovely to think of my father as a decent person, idealise him in any possible way. But also, I have enough wisdom to realise that realistically he could be bad-tempered, aggressive or even violent.
Because we never know.
We do not choose our fathers, at least not if we talk from a scientific point of view. This is the way it happens for us.
Moreover, at some point, it became my strength. I felt like I had to learn how to survive if I would end up single, especially with a child. It influenced many of my choices. I became more goal-oriented, mature, capable of making my life the way I want.
Even though I still feel sometimes that I need that wise advice of a father, I always try to think that I have enough wisdom in my heart and soul, and just keep going.
Let’s dive into coping strategies that I would like to share.
Closing the gaps
Unfortunately, I came across a few things that I had a hard time with due to being fatherless. As you could guess, romantic relationships are the first major one and self-esteem is the last but not least.
It was tricky for me to find a partner until I’ve figured out how relationships actually work. Lower self-esteem contributed to that problem.
For many years I’ve been looking at romantic relationships as is they were not for me, but for some other people who were lucky enough to grow with a father. I still have no idea how to flirt, how to attract attention, or even how to make friends with men. I still feel quite awkward when someone expresses interest. Only my passion for psychology and self-help encouraged me to search for tools and solutions on how to close the gaps.
So, I have developed a few strategies that helped me a lot. Therefore, I would like to share them with you.
1. Surround yourself with men
It does not matter what gender you are, you have to be among men to observe the behaviour, how they walk and talk, to understand how men’s world works. Through the actual contact, you can learn how to communicate, how to read their reactions and emotions, and, most importantly, you will eliminate fears associated with men. Do it until you get comfortable. This strategy will give you invaluable experience in understanding men’s behaviour.
Even if you don’t feel like joining a Fishing Club, Martial Arts School or Coding Bootcamp, make a commitment to do so. Soon, you will see how life is changing for you. You will feel not only relaxed and aware of the men’s world, but also content and self-assured in life in general.
What have I done? Firstly, I intuitively jumped into the male-dominated industry for my career, secondly, for many years, I’ve been doing Martial Arts, like Aikido, Jiu-jitsu, Wushu. Lastly, I did quite a few years of ballroom dancing, in which dance represents the love between two people. Tango is my favourite.
2. Create an image of your father
Relationships between your mother and your father is a wire-frame for your future relationships. Therefore, if you lack a father, you are missing on an image that you need to have for your own relationships to work.
This can be fixed by designing an image of your father in your head. This is a powerful technique, so, I advise you to do it in a few steps.
- Create a list of qualities of your father that you would like him to have. Is he caring, honest, loving, smart, helpful, cheerful. Put all the qualities that you would like him to have.
- Imagine how he looks if you do not know that. If you do, use the photo you have of him, or vision that lives in your head.
- Try to talk to this person in a way you would like it to be. What questions would you like to ask what help do you need from him?
- Look for inspiration in the movies, shows, books or in real life.
What have I done — I created a list of qualities, I chose an actor I like and was trying to talk to him if I had difficulties in life that I needed to discuss. In the end, I met my future husband with the same set of qualities.
3. Learn to behave differently
As I am a woman, it is easier for me to talk from a female perspective, but I guess for males, it would work similarly. I will speak only about my own experience and thoughts here, as the content could be sensitive.
At one point in my life, I have noticed that my behaviour is different from those who have fathers. It came out very naturally, through clothes, actions and choices I was making.
I was a bit more unisex, if I may put it like that.
Eventually, I came to a realisation that if I want to date men, I have to look and act like a woman. So that at least they could recognise me as the opposite sex. I came to this idea when I was looking through a magazine at the dentist clinic. I thought “Why I never buy magazines like that? What’s actually inside of it?”. It was Cosmopolitan, of course.
So, I went home, reviewed my clothes, accessories, and went shopping with my very feminine friend. She helped me to choose more female looking clothes, and this is how I became a female, not only on the inside.
I have noticed the immediate improvement of my perception of femininity and masculinity. At first, I felt quite uncomfortable, but soon I have realised that this is not about gender roles, but about essential feminine behaviour I have not learned in my childhood as a fatherless kid.
Summing up
I must admit that yes, there is a difference between those people who have fathers and those who have not, especially in early age. But, this difference is not necessarily a bad thing. We came to this world to learn from this experience; we can absolutely live a fulfilled, happy life.
Thank you for reading! I hope you found it useful; if you have similar experiences, and you are comfortable sharing them, please do so in the comments.
